2007-06-27
I am supposed to be all shocked and excited, happy and enthusiastic.
But I am feeling a true regret.
How can moments of bliss for other people can be one of my lowest points in life.
I just do not want to talk about it. I just do not want it to be, me to be, everything to be.
I want to delete this week off my mind.
I want to deny it. I want to forget that it has ever happened.
"I want to stay in love with my sorrow"
(Lithium - Evanescence)
I do not want to quote them anymore. But I cannot stop all at once and I probably need a few weeks (or months?) to adjust to this new state. I just cannot stand to hear them. My respect for them... I do not know how much of it is left, if any.
I just want to live and know that I can has a moment of bliss. I just want to know I can feel red happiness and purple happiness.
I want some crimson silence and a waking moment of truth.
I want to know there is a slight chance for goodness and love.
I want to have hope, hope I do not have for a long time now.
I want to die as well as to hope. And with hope I shall live, with nothing I shall die.
This nothingness just crawls in me, like a tumor growing inside. A deadly disease of some kind, that never lets go, no matter what you do, it lives inside you and kills you mentally as well as physically.
I have been dead for more than Three years now. I guess I can bear with it. But seems like it is getting me stronger and stronger each time, I wonder until when I could fight this.
I am afraid to die, but only because I do not know if everything is going to turn out all bad for sure. I have no hope, but I have this nescience about the future, as all of us do, I am sure. And because I do not want to make people sad. I do not want that the few people that care about me will grieve. I do not want to ruin their mood.
I always said that if anything, I want a party after I will die.
And I occasionally try to stay alone, make them leave me, forget about me. I have this tendency, I guess, so it would be easier.
But, it just will not happen. I guess.
But I am feeling a true regret.
How can moments of bliss for other people can be one of my lowest points in life.
I just do not want to talk about it. I just do not want it to be, me to be, everything to be.
I want to delete this week off my mind.
I want to deny it. I want to forget that it has ever happened.
"I want to stay in love with my sorrow"
(Lithium - Evanescence)
I do not want to quote them anymore. But I cannot stop all at once and I probably need a few weeks (or months?) to adjust to this new state. I just cannot stand to hear them. My respect for them... I do not know how much of it is left, if any.
I just want to live and know that I can has a moment of bliss. I just want to know I can feel red happiness and purple happiness.
I want some crimson silence and a waking moment of truth.
I want to know there is a slight chance for goodness and love.
I want to have hope, hope I do not have for a long time now.
I want to die as well as to hope. And with hope I shall live, with nothing I shall die.
This nothingness just crawls in me, like a tumor growing inside. A deadly disease of some kind, that never lets go, no matter what you do, it lives inside you and kills you mentally as well as physically.
I have been dead for more than Three years now. I guess I can bear with it. But seems like it is getting me stronger and stronger each time, I wonder until when I could fight this.
I am afraid to die, but only because I do not know if everything is going to turn out all bad for sure. I have no hope, but I have this nescience about the future, as all of us do, I am sure. And because I do not want to make people sad. I do not want that the few people that care about me will grieve. I do not want to ruin their mood.
I always said that if anything, I want a party after I will die.
And I occasionally try to stay alone, make them leave me, forget about me. I have this tendency, I guess, so it would be easier.
But, it just will not happen. I guess.
Labels: Failure