2008-02-18
Senseless Being
Once in a while, I have doubts about myself, about my intentions, about my life, about everything that I think I sense.
I question my motives and the things I feel. Are they true? are they real?
Do I really care about the things and the people I think I do?
Do they really mean to me that much, or am I just deceiving myself?
Leading myself into thinking there is a point in everything I do or have, even though there is none?
I miss the taste of caring, of having true meanings, of feeling love and having beloved ones.
I miss flattering to people. I miss life.
It feels like my conscience is not really clean and I kind of know why, but I fear the consequences of my actions.
It has been a really long time since I felt like myself. January, 2004, was the last time, I guess.
Since then, nothing has been the same.
It kind of reminds me of Louis from the movie, "Interview With The Vampire". The last few weeks of his life as a human, after his wife and children died, he felt tasteless.
He could not recognize his feelings, the tastes of the stuff he likes, hell, even the pain.
He just wandered around, like, notionless.
He never had any real place to go to, or any target to look up to. He just, died as he lived.
Nothing really mattered anymore.
And I can relate. And it is not good that I can, because I do not want to be wandering around dead as I live.
I want to live, I want to identify the joy within me, the love. I want to feel love. So much time has passed since I felt that beautiful, wonderful and powerful feeling.
I want to relive it. I want to feel it. I want to experience it, like I always wanted.
The more I live, the more I die. Is that right?
Well, I do not really think so, actually.
I guess that, as long as I have people, that are close to me, that I can... relate to, much preferablly in a red way, my wheel of life will be rolling quicker.
And a quicker rolling would probably be good. Because it makes me feel a little more alive then usual.
Just make me tick, will you?
PhistucK
Once in a while, I have doubts about myself, about my intentions, about my life, about everything that I think I sense.
I question my motives and the things I feel. Are they true? are they real?
Do I really care about the things and the people I think I do?
Do they really mean to me that much, or am I just deceiving myself?
Leading myself into thinking there is a point in everything I do or have, even though there is none?
I miss the taste of caring, of having true meanings, of feeling love and having beloved ones.
I miss flattering to people. I miss life.
It feels like my conscience is not really clean and I kind of know why, but I fear the consequences of my actions.
It has been a really long time since I felt like myself. January, 2004, was the last time, I guess.
Since then, nothing has been the same.
It kind of reminds me of Louis from the movie, "Interview With The Vampire". The last few weeks of his life as a human, after his wife and children died, he felt tasteless.
He could not recognize his feelings, the tastes of the stuff he likes, hell, even the pain.
He just wandered around, like, notionless.
He never had any real place to go to, or any target to look up to. He just, died as he lived.
Nothing really mattered anymore.
And I can relate. And it is not good that I can, because I do not want to be wandering around dead as I live.
I want to live, I want to identify the joy within me, the love. I want to feel love. So much time has passed since I felt that beautiful, wonderful and powerful feeling.
I want to relive it. I want to feel it. I want to experience it, like I always wanted.
The more I live, the more I die. Is that right?
Well, I do not really think so, actually.
I guess that, as long as I have people, that are close to me, that I can... relate to, much preferablly in a red way, my wheel of life will be rolling quicker.
And a quicker rolling would probably be good. Because it makes me feel a little more alive then usual.
Just make me tick, will you?
PhistucK
Labels: Failure