2019-11-16
"Despite Everything"
What every girl wants to hear.
Labels: Failure
Oh, Wait
I forgot anyone is free to partake.
Labels: Failure
The Truth Is
I would have approached you, but I know you have much too much on your mind now.
Labels: Failure
What Is This Crap?
Why are you there?
Labels: Failure
2019-11-15
It Is Done
I can continue living (sort of) peacefully.
Labels: Failure
2019-11-12
Which Is Fatter?
2019-11-10
"Those Smiling Faces"
"Lately
Seems like everything
Is falling down
All around
Us"
(Upside Down 2 - Tori Amos)
Seems like everything
Is falling down
All around
Us"
(Upside Down 2 - Tori Amos)
Labels: Failure
2019-11-05
All You Really Need To Die
Is a decision.
Labels: Failure
Shadow Of A Life
2019-11-04
Would It Be Ironic, Classic, Or Super Appropriate?
I sent an e-mail asking to stop not responding to my messages because I am particularly sensitive about that (I assume ignoring me was not on purpose).
Would it be ironic, classic, or super appropriate (or all of the three) of them not to respond to that e-mail at all?
Would it be ironic, classic, or super appropriate (or all of the three) of them not to respond to that e-mail at all?
Labels: Failure
2019-11-01
Sugarcoating Jealousy
This is just a bit too much for my mind.
This life is a real emotional rollercoaster.
From complete numbness and acceptance of absolutely nothing ("nothinging") to self-death wishes, hopeless thinking and complete brokenness and the occasional will to correct external brokenness.
But an old memory got brought back to life, along with worrisome revelations, one that is just surprising and the other might involve unawareness.
Love
You know this one?
This feeling that can take over completely and make everything suddenly bearable. Maybe the feeling is just a part of it, but the rest of the things that come along with it just turns passive incoherence into active understandability.
Is that what I want? Understandability?
Maybe... I do not know how to call it and I cannot explain why I need love in my life. Not entirely.
When I feel romantically loved, I feel like it is fine to be who I am.
That does not mean there will not be criticism. But the general acceptance of my twistedness and ugliness by a person that I care most about is apparently something that simply rocks my world, in a good way.
It sounds so superficial like that. That does not contradict my general acceptance that I am probably superficial.
And there is the intimacy. And the willingness for physical touches. And the beauty of that girl. And her words, that could be predictable or unpredictable, but they play the right note.
And laughs. Laughs, good conversations, shared interests. Warmth, physical, mental, spiritual, sexual, romantical and in any other way.
I feel so turned on and so fearful of the consequences at the same time.
I
Need
To have something
In this life
That does not involve zeros and ones
Or boys
That is pleasant
I am at a loss
I have
No
Idea
Where
To find you
It is kind of sickening, when I think about it, when people who did meet their romantic partners in ways that I totally define as "natural", tell me to let go of this "natural" requirement for meeting my partner.
It happened to you, why can it not happen to me?
It is not about going to classes, having hobbies, being more social, living alone or anything else. It is about being in the right place, at the right time. Shall I call it "fate"? Whatever, name it however you like, but I am going crazy because it has been at least a decade since something like that remotely happened.
And I need it so bad.
I know I have so many self-imposed limitations, I know. I know I am basically shooting myself in the foot for the entirety of my a-bit-mature life.
I yawned and it made me tearful (that always happens). And then I went into my single-bed and got extremely emotional, sad and broken. Thinking about the lack of love.
Trying to make excuses why the last one (not recent at this point) did not work but reminding myself that I did it.
It does not matter that I was also (but not exclusively at all) reacting to faults made by her. I should have handled it better.
I mainly should have created a less fearful environment for us. Maybe it was unavoidable. Maybe there could not be a less fearful environment.
Maybe the situation was really that complicated that this is the only way it could have gone.
But I should have handled it better. It was not an ordinary situation. We had extreme constraints and ignoring those constraints and judging the situation without them, yes, will yield this kind of abusive behavior.
But taking those extreme constraints into account and trying to be more understanding than I normally would, perhaps, could have made things different.
But, like I told someone just yesterday - "no point in crying over spilled milk". But also, "yes, there is a point, it still smells, no one bothered to clean it", which was (just a bit) eye-opening for her.
The fact is that I just do not know how to clean it.
I might be able to clean it by being someone else.
But I am not sure I can be someone else.
And I am also not sure I want to be someone else.
It is not like I think I am a great someone, but that twisted and ugly someone that is me, is, well, me.
And if I take that away, well, I would be cheating.
And I am not a big fan of cheating.
Yes, I am cheating in the easiest of ways. But corporate/man-against-big-money-makers cheatings are considerably less problematic for me, I admit.
But not trying to cheat is not why I would not want to be someone else.
I do not feel like this is even a possibility.
I have sunk in my being, my entity, my essence for so long that anything else is just impossible to imagine as reality. Anything else sounds so very wrong. Wrong that cannot be corrected.
Anytime you are not you, even if you are back to being you later, you will grudgingly remember this forever. I know because those moments already happened.
And I want to tear myself apart over those. But I take comfort in knowing I was in a really bad place, a really desperate place and the option was too available, I was self-lured and also, which is most comforting, I do not think about it a lot. But those were small-scale deviations.
And people think I should take a completely different road in order to be happy. Such large-scale difference could be devastating.
I think what hurts me the most is what most people do today...
They do not update
I do not need constant updates in general (I always welcome them, but I do not need them). But when something is said to maybe happen, I think it is natural to expect updates sooner and no vanish for days.
Then again, I am not the sole person those people have in their mind and that "maybe" loosens the requirement, fine.
Of course, I am hurt by those that matter more, not by everyone.
Why do the people that matter vanish?
Why is it fine not to reply to an e-mail for days (or indefinitely, which is effectively forever)?
And why is a pressing need, even if not an urgent one, does not get more natural attention?
Perhaps this is happening artificially? If I stated that it is not urgent, then should they explicitly try to care less about it and delay it until the exact right time comes?
Maybe for the same reason why I stated it is not urgent, even though it has been eating me...
It is not urgent because I do not feel like I have the right to disrupt their life. But then I cannot complain when they do not treat it urgently (and also not pressingly), right?
Maybe.
So, my life?
I think the answer is, "it is". It is my failure.
I hope I will not get sick due to this unmet pressing need.
Can putting others before me ruin me?
This life is a real emotional rollercoaster.
From complete numbness and acceptance of absolutely nothing ("nothinging") to self-death wishes, hopeless thinking and complete brokenness and the occasional will to correct external brokenness.
But an old memory got brought back to life, along with worrisome revelations, one that is just surprising and the other might involve unawareness.
Love
You know this one?
This feeling that can take over completely and make everything suddenly bearable. Maybe the feeling is just a part of it, but the rest of the things that come along with it just turns passive incoherence into active understandability.
Is that what I want? Understandability?
Maybe... I do not know how to call it and I cannot explain why I need love in my life. Not entirely.
When I feel romantically loved, I feel like it is fine to be who I am.
That does not mean there will not be criticism. But the general acceptance of my twistedness and ugliness by a person that I care most about is apparently something that simply rocks my world, in a good way.
It sounds so superficial like that. That does not contradict my general acceptance that I am probably superficial.
And there is the intimacy. And the willingness for physical touches. And the beauty of that girl. And her words, that could be predictable or unpredictable, but they play the right note.
And laughs. Laughs, good conversations, shared interests. Warmth, physical, mental, spiritual, sexual, romantical and in any other way.
I feel so turned on and so fearful of the consequences at the same time.
I
Need
To have something
In this life
That does not involve zeros and ones
Or boys
That is pleasant
I am at a loss
I have
No
Idea
Where
To find you
It is kind of sickening, when I think about it, when people who did meet their romantic partners in ways that I totally define as "natural", tell me to let go of this "natural" requirement for meeting my partner.
It happened to you, why can it not happen to me?
It is not about going to classes, having hobbies, being more social, living alone or anything else. It is about being in the right place, at the right time. Shall I call it "fate"? Whatever, name it however you like, but I am going crazy because it has been at least a decade since something like that remotely happened.
And I need it so bad.
I know I have so many self-imposed limitations, I know. I know I am basically shooting myself in the foot for the entirety of my a-bit-mature life.
I yawned and it made me tearful (that always happens). And then I went into my single-bed and got extremely emotional, sad and broken. Thinking about the lack of love.
Trying to make excuses why the last one (not recent at this point) did not work but reminding myself that I did it.
It does not matter that I was also (but not exclusively at all) reacting to faults made by her. I should have handled it better.
I mainly should have created a less fearful environment for us. Maybe it was unavoidable. Maybe there could not be a less fearful environment.
Maybe the situation was really that complicated that this is the only way it could have gone.
But I should have handled it better. It was not an ordinary situation. We had extreme constraints and ignoring those constraints and judging the situation without them, yes, will yield this kind of abusive behavior.
But taking those extreme constraints into account and trying to be more understanding than I normally would, perhaps, could have made things different.
But, like I told someone just yesterday - "no point in crying over spilled milk". But also, "yes, there is a point, it still smells, no one bothered to clean it", which was (just a bit) eye-opening for her.
The fact is that I just do not know how to clean it.
I might be able to clean it by being someone else.
But I am not sure I can be someone else.
And I am also not sure I want to be someone else.
It is not like I think I am a great someone, but that twisted and ugly someone that is me, is, well, me.
And if I take that away, well, I would be cheating.
And I am not a big fan of cheating.
Yes, I am cheating in the easiest of ways. But corporate/man-against-big-money-makers cheatings are considerably less problematic for me, I admit.
But not trying to cheat is not why I would not want to be someone else.
I do not feel like this is even a possibility.
I have sunk in my being, my entity, my essence for so long that anything else is just impossible to imagine as reality. Anything else sounds so very wrong. Wrong that cannot be corrected.
Anytime you are not you, even if you are back to being you later, you will grudgingly remember this forever. I know because those moments already happened.
And I want to tear myself apart over those. But I take comfort in knowing I was in a really bad place, a really desperate place and the option was too available, I was self-lured and also, which is most comforting, I do not think about it a lot. But those were small-scale deviations.
And people think I should take a completely different road in order to be happy. Such large-scale difference could be devastating.
I think what hurts me the most is what most people do today...
They do not update
I do not need constant updates in general (I always welcome them, but I do not need them). But when something is said to maybe happen, I think it is natural to expect updates sooner and no vanish for days.
Then again, I am not the sole person those people have in their mind and that "maybe" loosens the requirement, fine.
Of course, I am hurt by those that matter more, not by everyone.
Why do the people that matter vanish?
Why is it fine not to reply to an e-mail for days (or indefinitely, which is effectively forever)?
And why is a pressing need, even if not an urgent one, does not get more natural attention?
Perhaps this is happening artificially? If I stated that it is not urgent, then should they explicitly try to care less about it and delay it until the exact right time comes?
Maybe for the same reason why I stated it is not urgent, even though it has been eating me...
It is not urgent because I do not feel like I have the right to disrupt their life. But then I cannot complain when they do not treat it urgently (and also not pressingly), right?
Maybe.
So, my life?
I think the answer is, "it is". It is my failure.
I hope I will not get sick due to this unmet pressing need.
Can putting others before me ruin me?
Labels: Failure