2024-10-28
Remember
A perfect face is a boring face.
Everyone needs some pizza.
Everyone needs some pizza.
2024-09-23
A Basket Filled With
Bad thoughts.
2024-01-19
Just
God(d/l)ess.
Labels: Failure
2023-12-17
I Want You
To be something I want.
Labels: Failure
And Then He Said
"I learned my lesson twice"
Labels: Failure
2023-06-10
Mass-Produced
Specials.
Labels: Failure
2022-12-23
Until Life
Do us apart.
Labels: Failure
2022-12-18
Alone
Is the only way out.
Labels: Failure
2022-09-24
It Is Correct
But it is not right.
Labels: Failure
2022-09-14
Ask
And you shall be lied to.
Labels: Failure
2022-09-13
She Told Me
The girl you are looking for, exists, but you are not what she is looking for.
Labels: Failure
2021-10-17
When You Are Away For Long
Dreams mess with my perception of reality.
Labels: Failure
2021-10-03
It Is So Beautiful
I cry.
Labels: Failure
2021-09-25
Eventually
I did...
Labels: Failure
2021-08-28
Hey
"I am nonconformist as much as the next guy"
Labels: Failure
2021-06-19
Daydream Girls
"She became ugly"
"Yeah, but so did everyone else"
(-A girl and another girl from a daydream)
"Yeah, but so did everyone else"
(-A girl and another girl from a daydream)
Labels: Failure
2021-06-02
No Life
Fits.
Labels: Failure
2021-05-31
What Is The Point Of Living In A Place That Has Everything
If I want nothing?
Labels: Failure
2021-04-11
You Only Need One Person To Confirm Your Negative Opinion Of Yourself
But you need countless people to confirm a positive one.
Labels: Failure
2021-03-16
What Am I Asking?
For you to be perfectly imperfect.
Labels: Failure
2021-02-16
Everything
Is provocative.
Labels: Failure
2021-02-14
Somehow
I am always the forgotten.
Labels: Failure
2021-01-02
After About 4,296 E-Mails
2021-01-01
Happiness Is Touching
I heard big bangs from outside, as the midnight of December 31st, 2020 was approaching, so I went over and looked outside.
This is a new place, a new city (a city!), a new country within a country and a new country. This is England, in the United Kingdom (of Great Britain and North Ireland).
(I keep forgetting that "United Kingdom" is actually not the full name of this country)
This is a place where the Christian new year is a big thing. A huge thing. Unlike in Israel, where few celebrate the actual concept and the rest celebrate the "romantic" and/or obligatory Silvester (or Novy God for the former Soviet Union folks).
The bangs started sporadically since around 8 in the evening, ramped up around 11:30 and went bonkers around midnight. At some point, I even started seeing some fireworks, not just hearing the bangs.
I am not sure whether it was bigger this time, or maybe this is the regular show in this city, but it felt bigger.
Some people were outside, in their balconies, screaming and woo-hooing as they heard or saw the fireworks.
It was moving, touching, emotional. Happiness can be beautiful, even if it is not my happiness.
As I watched the actual fireworks in front of my eyes, I started giggling. It was not a "this is ridiculous" or a "this is stupid" giggle. It was "this is touching, I am moved by the happiness" giggle. Kind of like when I see someone being really cute, I giggle.
Another one and another one, a bigger one and a bigger one, all of those colors, all of that shininess, all of that screaming. Two children held sparklers. All of that happiness. It was a warm time to be in, in this cold (almost?) sub-zero night.
The skies were not black anymore, or close to it. They had this colored tint and it flashed multiple times per second. Less than a lightning flash, but pretty significant. And the Christmas trees are still there, lit up.
The skies were not alone. People were alone together.
This is a new place, a new city (a city!), a new country within a country and a new country. This is England, in the United Kingdom (of Great Britain and North Ireland).
(I keep forgetting that "United Kingdom" is actually not the full name of this country)
This is a place where the Christian new year is a big thing. A huge thing. Unlike in Israel, where few celebrate the actual concept and the rest celebrate the "romantic" and/or obligatory Silvester (or Novy God for the former Soviet Union folks).
The bangs started sporadically since around 8 in the evening, ramped up around 11:30 and went bonkers around midnight. At some point, I even started seeing some fireworks, not just hearing the bangs.
I am not sure whether it was bigger this time, or maybe this is the regular show in this city, but it felt bigger.
Some people were outside, in their balconies, screaming and woo-hooing as they heard or saw the fireworks.
It was moving, touching, emotional. Happiness can be beautiful, even if it is not my happiness.
As I watched the actual fireworks in front of my eyes, I started giggling. It was not a "this is ridiculous" or a "this is stupid" giggle. It was "this is touching, I am moved by the happiness" giggle. Kind of like when I see someone being really cute, I giggle.
Another one and another one, a bigger one and a bigger one, all of those colors, all of that shininess, all of that screaming. Two children held sparklers. All of that happiness. It was a warm time to be in, in this cold (almost?) sub-zero night.
The skies were not black anymore, or close to it. They had this colored tint and it flashed multiple times per second. Less than a lightning flash, but pretty significant. And the Christmas trees are still there, lit up.
The skies were not alone. People were alone together.
Labels: Failure
2020-12-31
For All Of The Fireworks
The eyes cannot see.
Labels: Failure
2020-12-17
Hello
Independence.
Labels: Failure
2020-12-03
"So Long
2020-10-06
Life Is A Contest
You win when you lose.
Labels: Failure
Second
Life?
Labels: Failure
2020-08-30
I Started Using The Oven
As a timer.
I always thought that a simple functionality needed a huge and heavy exterior.
Labels: Failure
2020-07-04
Collaborative
Blankets of sunshine walk through wells
Polling away at some remote stand
Killing about the reason to shine
Freezing out every minute of mine
And yet the sunshine capes on you,
Like blankets of thin air, out of the blue
Punching a scumbag out of the shirt
Just so a cannibal could spare a head
Pointing to the sky, pointing around
Right and left have lost their sign
Grinning and blooming the vandalized luck
Sometimes some person would lose their mind
Skimming and drifting apart and beyond
Until hope floats in and breaks no word
No remorse and no regret
A little hand that gathers all of the shakes
A pool full of water and blood dripping off
Alone in the wake of tomorrow, you thought
Moving around and snoozing alarms
Nothing is woken and late as you are"
(Infiltrated Love - PhistucK & Shelly)
Polling away at some remote stand
Killing about the reason to shine
Freezing out every minute of mine
And yet the sunshine capes on you,
Like blankets of thin air, out of the blue
Punching a scumbag out of the shirt
Just so a cannibal could spare a head
Pointing to the sky, pointing around
Right and left have lost their sign
Grinning and blooming the vandalized luck
Sometimes some person would lose their mind
Skimming and drifting apart and beyond
Until hope floats in and breaks no word
No remorse and no regret
A little hand that gathers all of the shakes
A pool full of water and blood dripping off
Alone in the wake of tomorrow, you thought
Moving around and snoozing alarms
Nothing is woken and late as you are"
(Infiltrated Love - PhistucK & Shelly)
Labels: Failure
2020-06-23
Thoughts Have Left The Building
"As long as someone is happy
Out there
In the rain
Without a coat
Or an umbrella
And the sun
Burns the skin
Through the rain
Happier times
Bendable limes
Extortion is the only way out
Look above
And beyond
Before life gets in the way
Slimming down the lines
Thinning down the grinds
And people would rise up to the occasion
Live up to the aspiration
But joy will circle and lead the way
To eternal glow
Sunshine sees through the cloudy evenings
And the birth of a new tear
The one you never hoped for
But glad you had
Polishing the floor, surrounding all of the room
It is time for the loss to breeze away
And for love to spread across the air
Cherish every second
Melodies wrap every ear
Minds reappear
Souls combine to create a single light
A single light of truth
For never-ending beginnings"
(Pouring Black - PhistucK)
Out there
In the rain
Without a coat
Or an umbrella
And the sun
Burns the skin
Through the rain
Happier times
Bendable limes
Extortion is the only way out
Look above
And beyond
Before life gets in the way
Slimming down the lines
Thinning down the grinds
And people would rise up to the occasion
Live up to the aspiration
But joy will circle and lead the way
To eternal glow
Sunshine sees through the cloudy evenings
And the birth of a new tear
The one you never hoped for
But glad you had
Polishing the floor, surrounding all of the room
It is time for the loss to breeze away
And for love to spread across the air
Cherish every second
Melodies wrap every ear
Minds reappear
Souls combine to create a single light
A single light of truth
For never-ending beginnings"
(Pouring Black - PhistucK)
Labels: Failure
2020-06-22
A Three Parter
"She saw through me"
"Uh-oh. That's not good"
(-Willian and Anna, "Notting Hill")
"I want to fill my glass
Up with you
Constantly"
(End It On This - No Doubt)
No poll concludes what I long dreamt.
Lossy power is an accurate state of mind.
Everything drips, the wrists bleed.
Posts of silent laying awake.
The desert is never a dessert.
"Uh-oh. That's not good"
(-Willian and Anna, "Notting Hill")
"I want to fill my glass
Up with you
Constantly"
(End It On This - No Doubt)
No poll concludes what I long dreamt.
Lossy power is an accurate state of mind.
Everything drips, the wrists bleed.
Posts of silent laying awake.
The desert is never a dessert.
Labels: Failure
2020-06-08
A Two Parter
Truth
"Speak on, dear friend"
"She's someone who... can't be mine"
(-Spike and William, "Notting Hill")
Dream
"The smile on your face lets me know that you need me
There's a truth in your eyes saying you'll never leave me
The touch of your hand says you'll catch me wherever I fall"
(When You Say Nothing At All - Ronan Keating)
"Speak on, dear friend"
"She's someone who... can't be mine"
(-Spike and William, "Notting Hill")
Dream
"The smile on your face lets me know that you need me
There's a truth in your eyes saying you'll never leave me
The touch of your hand says you'll catch me wherever I fall"
(When You Say Nothing At All - Ronan Keating)
Labels: Failure
2020-05-26
I Am
2020-03-08
Why Do I Want To Spray Love Words
On her?
Labels: Failure
2020-03-02
Collision
In a way, I would love to experience the state one gets into when one is under the influence of either hallucination drugs, narcotics, psychiatric drugs and any other substance that can cause a relatively significant mental diversion from the ordinary of one, from the "real you" or "base you" into a, possible, "better you", or "happier you", either on a constant basis, or on an occasional basis. Though this is mostly about the constant basis.
I did not think about it much until a moment ago. It was simply taboo. But I suddenly thought about the naïve aspect of it - if someone feels bad most of the time, or they are full of fears, or putting obstacles in they own way to self-accomplishment, using something, external, that relieves those fears, that eliminate those obstacles, that makes you feel either better or great, sounds like a "good thing". I am less sold on the latter two, but feeling good or great for no material reason, other than that external thing, does not sound like a bad thing.
Why should feeling bad be the default? Feeling good, besides the good mental effect that it can have on the entire system, even physically, releases good internal substances (endorphins and stuff) that in turn make you feel even better, naturally, even though the original basis was unnatural. Feeling good can trigger courage. Well, feeling bad could also trigger courage. Many people who hit rock bottom feel like they have nothing to lose anymore and so they do whatever they want, sometimes resulting courageous acts that actually save them or make them feel better. But feeling good can induce the feeling of having no obstacles, which can also lead to courage. That is not the point.
The point is that feeling good, or at least better, is usually construed as a good thing. Of course, those substances can have other effects on the body and mind, sometimes devastating and sometimes mild inconveniences. Indifference is one, which is linked mostly to the "feeling better" result rather than the "feeling good" result, because feeling good is inherently not feeling indifferent, I suppose. Addiction, cancer, brain damage and the rest of those are more examples of bad effects that can be deadly or lower the quality of life, or even counter the good effects completely, resulting in a negative net.
But beside those. The taboo comes from the constant fact that changing yourself using substances is, still, changing yourself in a non-organic way. Being authentic, being organic, being you is one of the pillars, if not the most elementary one, of my existence.
That basically eliminates any external involvement from being materialized.
I was surprised, because I was suddenly imagining the state of feeling good - not better, good - and how that would feel, even synthetically as mentioned. It felt nice, it felt different - different in a positive way. It felt like I had no real wars to fight anymore. Like things are just... Easy. Good. I was going to write "relatively", but it was not. "Relatively" came later, after a bit of thinking of it realistically and considering more of the facts, circumstances and implications. But realism has no place in a purely imaginative future.
I wish I felt good most of the time.
And I believe this is not a totally unrealistic or hypothetic state. I think it can be achieved organically, but I think it requires a vast amount of luck.
I want to move to England with a cute girl.
I did not think about it much until a moment ago. It was simply taboo. But I suddenly thought about the naïve aspect of it - if someone feels bad most of the time, or they are full of fears, or putting obstacles in they own way to self-accomplishment, using something, external, that relieves those fears, that eliminate those obstacles, that makes you feel either better or great, sounds like a "good thing". I am less sold on the latter two, but feeling good or great for no material reason, other than that external thing, does not sound like a bad thing.
Why should feeling bad be the default? Feeling good, besides the good mental effect that it can have on the entire system, even physically, releases good internal substances (endorphins and stuff) that in turn make you feel even better, naturally, even though the original basis was unnatural. Feeling good can trigger courage. Well, feeling bad could also trigger courage. Many people who hit rock bottom feel like they have nothing to lose anymore and so they do whatever they want, sometimes resulting courageous acts that actually save them or make them feel better. But feeling good can induce the feeling of having no obstacles, which can also lead to courage. That is not the point.
The point is that feeling good, or at least better, is usually construed as a good thing. Of course, those substances can have other effects on the body and mind, sometimes devastating and sometimes mild inconveniences. Indifference is one, which is linked mostly to the "feeling better" result rather than the "feeling good" result, because feeling good is inherently not feeling indifferent, I suppose. Addiction, cancer, brain damage and the rest of those are more examples of bad effects that can be deadly or lower the quality of life, or even counter the good effects completely, resulting in a negative net.
But beside those. The taboo comes from the constant fact that changing yourself using substances is, still, changing yourself in a non-organic way. Being authentic, being organic, being you is one of the pillars, if not the most elementary one, of my existence.
That basically eliminates any external involvement from being materialized.
I was surprised, because I was suddenly imagining the state of feeling good - not better, good - and how that would feel, even synthetically as mentioned. It felt nice, it felt different - different in a positive way. It felt like I had no real wars to fight anymore. Like things are just... Easy. Good. I was going to write "relatively", but it was not. "Relatively" came later, after a bit of thinking of it realistically and considering more of the facts, circumstances and implications. But realism has no place in a purely imaginative future.
I wish I felt good most of the time.
And I believe this is not a totally unrealistic or hypothetic state. I think it can be achieved organically, but I think it requires a vast amount of luck.
I want to move to England with a cute girl.
Labels: Failure
2020-02-23
I Want To Know
What makes you t(h)ick?
Labels: Failure
2020-02-14
I Guess
I did not crack the code.
Labels: Failure
2020-02-08
I Should Not Be Doing This
I should not be looking for another "one" again.
I already found my one once.
It happened. We happened.
We were. And then not.
I know, we were in a bad state. I blame everything. Including me.
How will I go about this now? How could I?
I know about seven years have passed, but that does not change a thing. I am still what I was. Longing for love and in the back of my mind, still coupled with her.
"You refuse to face the facts
But pray
For
Life
Find salvation in distress
We will wait
For the day
You'll break out and re-awake
And we wait
For the day
To discover there's no way
I can't wait
At this rate
It's too little and too late
To live this lie"
(Living A Lie (The Embrace That Smothers Part - VIII) (Simone Version) - Epica)
Something is not right.
I already found my one once.
It happened. We happened.
We were. And then not.
I know, we were in a bad state. I blame everything. Including me.
How will I go about this now? How could I?
I know about seven years have passed, but that does not change a thing. I am still what I was. Longing for love and in the back of my mind, still coupled with her.
"You refuse to face the facts
But pray
For
Life
Find salvation in distress
We will wait
For the day
You'll break out and re-awake
And we wait
For the day
To discover there's no way
I can't wait
At this rate
It's too little and too late
To live this lie"
(Living A Lie (The Embrace That Smothers Part - VIII) (Simone Version) - Epica)
Something is not right.
Labels: Failure
This Life
Is like one big trauma.
Labels: Failure
2020-02-04
Of Her
"My darling, I'm writing to you"
"And I don't want to bother you anymore
I used to hope you'd come back"
"My eyes might have betrayed me, but I have seen
Your picture on the cover of a filthy magazine
And I think my heart just cannot handle that"
"My darling, would be so bad"
"My darling, I'm writing to you"
"And I didn't mean to bother you anymore"
"And I hope you won't do those things anymore"
"My darling, I'm waiting for"
"My dear
How I wish that my" "was here"
"Decided one day
To travel away, far away"
"No, you can't surprise me anymore, oh, oh
I've seen it all before
But it seems I cannot let you go"
"I'd wait for you forever
Now I know someone else's holding you"
"Mess that I am in
Love is not the thing I feel now
I promise you
I won't write again"
"My diary's pages are full of thee"
"My dear,
How I wish that my" "was here"
"Decided one day
To travel away, far away"
"My dear
How I wish that my" "was here"
"decided one day
To travel away, far away"
"My dear
How I wish that my" "was here"
"decided one day
To travel away, far away"
(Letter To Dana (Excerpts) - Sonata Arctica)
"And I don't want to bother you anymore
I used to hope you'd come back"
"My eyes might have betrayed me, but I have seen
Your picture on the cover of a filthy magazine
And I think my heart just cannot handle that"
"My darling, would be so bad"
"My darling, I'm writing to you"
"And I didn't mean to bother you anymore"
"And I hope you won't do those things anymore"
"My darling, I'm waiting for"
"My dear
How I wish that my" "was here"
"Decided one day
To travel away, far away"
"No, you can't surprise me anymore, oh, oh
I've seen it all before
But it seems I cannot let you go"
"I'd wait for you forever
Now I know someone else's holding you"
"Mess that I am in
Love is not the thing I feel now
I promise you
I won't write again"
"My diary's pages are full of thee"
"My dear,
How I wish that my" "was here"
"Decided one day
To travel away, far away"
"My dear
How I wish that my" "was here"
"decided one day
To travel away, far away"
"My dear
How I wish that my" "was here"
"decided one day
To travel away, far away"
(Letter To Dana (Excerpts) - Sonata Arctica)
Labels: Failure
2020-02-03
So Fat
So good.
Labels: Failure
2020-02-02
Look At The State Of You
I Guess I Just Keep Looking
For a version of you.
Labels: Failure
If The Past Stays In The Past
Maybe bringing it back myself would have some nice effect.
Labels: Failure
When You Listen
In complete admiration.
Labels: Failure
2020-01-24
So
Can I surprise them by telling them to make a stop along the way to get my girlfriend?
Yeah, I did not think so.
Yeah, I did not think so.
Labels: Failure
2020-01-14
So, What, Did It Go Like This?
"I mean, this connection does nothing good for any of you.
Not to you, because you feel like you are constantly disappointing him, forgetting him and stuff.
Not to your partner, because no partner wants their partner to talk to their ex that is still hung up on them.
Not to him, because he will always want more than you can/care to give.
So, you should just cut him off. Telling him off would be unpleasant to the both of you and make it more difficult, even more than just not talking to him anymore.
Also, telling him off would probably take a phone call, or worst, meeting him and that takes too much coordination.
Not having to explain anything would lead to less consciously uncomfortable moments.
And you will not think about it a lot anyway, because of your general forgetfulness, so it is the only way where the least amount of people get hurt."
Not to you, because you feel like you are constantly disappointing him, forgetting him and stuff.
Not to your partner, because no partner wants their partner to talk to their ex that is still hung up on them.
Not to him, because he will always want more than you can/care to give.
So, you should just cut him off. Telling him off would be unpleasant to the both of you and make it more difficult, even more than just not talking to him anymore.
Also, telling him off would probably take a phone call, or worst, meeting him and that takes too much coordination.
Not having to explain anything would lead to less consciously uncomfortable moments.
And you will not think about it a lot anyway, because of your general forgetfulness, so it is the only way where the least amount of people get hurt."
Labels: Failure
I Mean
Labels: Failure
Many Rings
Can trigger the gaydar.
Labels: Failure
2020-01-12
The Urge That Never Stops
Breaking a meaningful relationship, of any kind, will forever create uncomfortable situations.
You will always have the urge to reach out to them.
For example, you dream of them (and remember it!), or you see something that they would have liked, or you just have the urge to talk to them.
It, obviously, becomes more infrequent as time goes by.
But it involves a lot of restraint.
A restraint that after a while feels unnecessary.
But if you lift the restraint and approach them (assuming they cooperate with you), you will probably soon re-discover the reason why the relationship was broken in the first place - it just does not work.
But that does not mean you cannot tinker with the idea every once in a while, feeling bad about it and want to lift those restraints.
You will always have the urge to reach out to them.
For example, you dream of them (and remember it!), or you see something that they would have liked, or you just have the urge to talk to them.
It, obviously, becomes more infrequent as time goes by.
But it involves a lot of restraint.
A restraint that after a while feels unnecessary.
But if you lift the restraint and approach them (assuming they cooperate with you), you will probably soon re-discover the reason why the relationship was broken in the first place - it just does not work.
But that does not mean you cannot tinker with the idea every once in a while, feeling bad about it and want to lift those restraints.
Labels: Failure
2020-01-11
If You Want Something To Be Taken Off The Shelves
Just make sure I like it.
Labels: Failure
2019-12-30
Creeped
"She's like, so whatever"
(Girlfriend - Avril Lavigne)
I cannot not take it personally.
I am trying to do a pretty selfless act (yes, according to Joey from "Friends", no act is truly selfless, I know, because if the other side is enjoying your act, you probably also feel good, but still, as selfless as it can be).
I am trying to help. I know she is forgetful, I know life is hard in that sense for her.
But ignoring me? Seriously?
I guess she just have not realized yet, that I am not as important for her as she thinks and that she does not care about me as much as she thinks.
I guess it is not easy to accept that something that was hugely meaningful and perhaps good in your life at some point is now pretty unimportant and actively harmful.
Or maybe she is "doing this for me". But even if she does, complete unannounced silence is not the answer. This is offensive and hurtful.
"Don't let it go away
This feeling has got to stay"
(New - No Doubt)
(Girlfriend - Avril Lavigne)
I cannot not take it personally.
I am trying to do a pretty selfless act (yes, according to Joey from "Friends", no act is truly selfless, I know, because if the other side is enjoying your act, you probably also feel good, but still, as selfless as it can be).
I am trying to help. I know she is forgetful, I know life is hard in that sense for her.
But ignoring me? Seriously?
I guess she just have not realized yet, that I am not as important for her as she thinks and that she does not care about me as much as she thinks.
I guess it is not easy to accept that something that was hugely meaningful and perhaps good in your life at some point is now pretty unimportant and actively harmful.
Or maybe she is "doing this for me". But even if she does, complete unannounced silence is not the answer. This is offensive and hurtful.
"Don't let it go away
This feeling has got to stay"
(New - No Doubt)
Labels: Failure
2019-12-11
Life Makes
Unfortunate sense.
Labels: Failure
2019-12-10
Perspectives
The familiar and reminiscing sounds of post-bridge "My Immortal" (Band Version) excerpt started ringing from my mobile phone.
"That ringtone..."
I smiled.
"Yeah, nothing changes"
"I see..."
I could sense the internal disappointment she had at that moment.
"That ringtone..."
I smiled.
"Yeah, nothing changes"
"I see..."
I could sense the internal disappointment she had at that moment.
Labels: Failure
2019-11-16
"Despite Everything"
What every girl wants to hear.
Labels: Failure
Oh, Wait
I forgot anyone is free to partake.
Labels: Failure
The Truth Is
I would have approached you, but I know you have much too much on your mind now.
Labels: Failure
What Is This Crap?
Why are you there?
Labels: Failure
2019-11-15
It Is Done
I can continue living (sort of) peacefully.
Labels: Failure
2019-11-12
Which Is Fatter?
2019-11-10
"Those Smiling Faces"
"Lately
Seems like everything
Is falling down
All around
Us"
(Upside Down 2 - Tori Amos)
Seems like everything
Is falling down
All around
Us"
(Upside Down 2 - Tori Amos)
Labels: Failure
2019-11-05
All You Really Need To Die
Is a decision.
Labels: Failure
Shadow Of A Life
2019-11-04
Would It Be Ironic, Classic, Or Super Appropriate?
I sent an e-mail asking to stop not responding to my messages because I am particularly sensitive about that (I assume ignoring me was not on purpose).
Would it be ironic, classic, or super appropriate (or all of the three) of them not to respond to that e-mail at all?
Would it be ironic, classic, or super appropriate (or all of the three) of them not to respond to that e-mail at all?
Labels: Failure
2019-11-01
Sugarcoating Jealousy
This is just a bit too much for my mind.
This life is a real emotional rollercoaster.
From complete numbness and acceptance of absolutely nothing ("nothinging") to self-death wishes, hopeless thinking and complete brokenness and the occasional will to correct external brokenness.
But an old memory got brought back to life, along with worrisome revelations, one that is just surprising and the other might involve unawareness.
Love
You know this one?
This feeling that can take over completely and make everything suddenly bearable. Maybe the feeling is just a part of it, but the rest of the things that come along with it just turns passive incoherence into active understandability.
Is that what I want? Understandability?
Maybe... I do not know how to call it and I cannot explain why I need love in my life. Not entirely.
When I feel romantically loved, I feel like it is fine to be who I am.
That does not mean there will not be criticism. But the general acceptance of my twistedness and ugliness by a person that I care most about is apparently something that simply rocks my world, in a good way.
It sounds so superficial like that. That does not contradict my general acceptance that I am probably superficial.
And there is the intimacy. And the willingness for physical touches. And the beauty of that girl. And her words, that could be predictable or unpredictable, but they play the right note.
And laughs. Laughs, good conversations, shared interests. Warmth, physical, mental, spiritual, sexual, romantical and in any other way.
I feel so turned on and so fearful of the consequences at the same time.
I
Need
To have something
In this life
That does not involve zeros and ones
Or boys
That is pleasant
I am at a loss
I have
No
Idea
Where
To find you
It is kind of sickening, when I think about it, when people who did meet their romantic partners in ways that I totally define as "natural", tell me to let go of this "natural" requirement for meeting my partner.
It happened to you, why can it not happen to me?
It is not about going to classes, having hobbies, being more social, living alone or anything else. It is about being in the right place, at the right time. Shall I call it "fate"? Whatever, name it however you like, but I am going crazy because it has been at least a decade since something like that remotely happened.
And I need it so bad.
I know I have so many self-imposed limitations, I know. I know I am basically shooting myself in the foot for the entirety of my a-bit-mature life.
I yawned and it made me tearful (that always happens). And then I went into my single-bed and got extremely emotional, sad and broken. Thinking about the lack of love.
Trying to make excuses why the last one (not recent at this point) did not work but reminding myself that I did it.
It does not matter that I was also (but not exclusively at all) reacting to faults made by her. I should have handled it better.
I mainly should have created a less fearful environment for us. Maybe it was unavoidable. Maybe there could not be a less fearful environment.
Maybe the situation was really that complicated that this is the only way it could have gone.
But I should have handled it better. It was not an ordinary situation. We had extreme constraints and ignoring those constraints and judging the situation without them, yes, will yield this kind of abusive behavior.
But taking those extreme constraints into account and trying to be more understanding than I normally would, perhaps, could have made things different.
But, like I told someone just yesterday - "no point in crying over spilled milk". But also, "yes, there is a point, it still smells, no one bothered to clean it", which was (just a bit) eye-opening for her.
The fact is that I just do not know how to clean it.
I might be able to clean it by being someone else.
But I am not sure I can be someone else.
And I am also not sure I want to be someone else.
It is not like I think I am a great someone, but that twisted and ugly someone that is me, is, well, me.
And if I take that away, well, I would be cheating.
And I am not a big fan of cheating.
Yes, I am cheating in the easiest of ways. But corporate/man-against-big-money-makers cheatings are considerably less problematic for me, I admit.
But not trying to cheat is not why I would not want to be someone else.
I do not feel like this is even a possibility.
I have sunk in my being, my entity, my essence for so long that anything else is just impossible to imagine as reality. Anything else sounds so very wrong. Wrong that cannot be corrected.
Anytime you are not you, even if you are back to being you later, you will grudgingly remember this forever. I know because those moments already happened.
And I want to tear myself apart over those. But I take comfort in knowing I was in a really bad place, a really desperate place and the option was too available, I was self-lured and also, which is most comforting, I do not think about it a lot. But those were small-scale deviations.
And people think I should take a completely different road in order to be happy. Such large-scale difference could be devastating.
I think what hurts me the most is what most people do today...
They do not update
I do not need constant updates in general (I always welcome them, but I do not need them). But when something is said to maybe happen, I think it is natural to expect updates sooner and no vanish for days.
Then again, I am not the sole person those people have in their mind and that "maybe" loosens the requirement, fine.
Of course, I am hurt by those that matter more, not by everyone.
Why do the people that matter vanish?
Why is it fine not to reply to an e-mail for days (or indefinitely, which is effectively forever)?
And why is a pressing need, even if not an urgent one, does not get more natural attention?
Perhaps this is happening artificially? If I stated that it is not urgent, then should they explicitly try to care less about it and delay it until the exact right time comes?
Maybe for the same reason why I stated it is not urgent, even though it has been eating me...
It is not urgent because I do not feel like I have the right to disrupt their life. But then I cannot complain when they do not treat it urgently (and also not pressingly), right?
Maybe.
So, my life?
I think the answer is, "it is". It is my failure.
I hope I will not get sick due to this unmet pressing need.
Can putting others before me ruin me?
This life is a real emotional rollercoaster.
From complete numbness and acceptance of absolutely nothing ("nothinging") to self-death wishes, hopeless thinking and complete brokenness and the occasional will to correct external brokenness.
But an old memory got brought back to life, along with worrisome revelations, one that is just surprising and the other might involve unawareness.
Love
You know this one?
This feeling that can take over completely and make everything suddenly bearable. Maybe the feeling is just a part of it, but the rest of the things that come along with it just turns passive incoherence into active understandability.
Is that what I want? Understandability?
Maybe... I do not know how to call it and I cannot explain why I need love in my life. Not entirely.
When I feel romantically loved, I feel like it is fine to be who I am.
That does not mean there will not be criticism. But the general acceptance of my twistedness and ugliness by a person that I care most about is apparently something that simply rocks my world, in a good way.
It sounds so superficial like that. That does not contradict my general acceptance that I am probably superficial.
And there is the intimacy. And the willingness for physical touches. And the beauty of that girl. And her words, that could be predictable or unpredictable, but they play the right note.
And laughs. Laughs, good conversations, shared interests. Warmth, physical, mental, spiritual, sexual, romantical and in any other way.
I feel so turned on and so fearful of the consequences at the same time.
I
Need
To have something
In this life
That does not involve zeros and ones
Or boys
That is pleasant
I am at a loss
I have
No
Idea
Where
To find you
It is kind of sickening, when I think about it, when people who did meet their romantic partners in ways that I totally define as "natural", tell me to let go of this "natural" requirement for meeting my partner.
It happened to you, why can it not happen to me?
It is not about going to classes, having hobbies, being more social, living alone or anything else. It is about being in the right place, at the right time. Shall I call it "fate"? Whatever, name it however you like, but I am going crazy because it has been at least a decade since something like that remotely happened.
And I need it so bad.
I know I have so many self-imposed limitations, I know. I know I am basically shooting myself in the foot for the entirety of my a-bit-mature life.
I yawned and it made me tearful (that always happens). And then I went into my single-bed and got extremely emotional, sad and broken. Thinking about the lack of love.
Trying to make excuses why the last one (not recent at this point) did not work but reminding myself that I did it.
It does not matter that I was also (but not exclusively at all) reacting to faults made by her. I should have handled it better.
I mainly should have created a less fearful environment for us. Maybe it was unavoidable. Maybe there could not be a less fearful environment.
Maybe the situation was really that complicated that this is the only way it could have gone.
But I should have handled it better. It was not an ordinary situation. We had extreme constraints and ignoring those constraints and judging the situation without them, yes, will yield this kind of abusive behavior.
But taking those extreme constraints into account and trying to be more understanding than I normally would, perhaps, could have made things different.
But, like I told someone just yesterday - "no point in crying over spilled milk". But also, "yes, there is a point, it still smells, no one bothered to clean it", which was (just a bit) eye-opening for her.
The fact is that I just do not know how to clean it.
I might be able to clean it by being someone else.
But I am not sure I can be someone else.
And I am also not sure I want to be someone else.
It is not like I think I am a great someone, but that twisted and ugly someone that is me, is, well, me.
And if I take that away, well, I would be cheating.
And I am not a big fan of cheating.
Yes, I am cheating in the easiest of ways. But corporate/man-against-big-money-makers cheatings are considerably less problematic for me, I admit.
But not trying to cheat is not why I would not want to be someone else.
I do not feel like this is even a possibility.
I have sunk in my being, my entity, my essence for so long that anything else is just impossible to imagine as reality. Anything else sounds so very wrong. Wrong that cannot be corrected.
Anytime you are not you, even if you are back to being you later, you will grudgingly remember this forever. I know because those moments already happened.
And I want to tear myself apart over those. But I take comfort in knowing I was in a really bad place, a really desperate place and the option was too available, I was self-lured and also, which is most comforting, I do not think about it a lot. But those were small-scale deviations.
And people think I should take a completely different road in order to be happy. Such large-scale difference could be devastating.
I think what hurts me the most is what most people do today...
They do not update
I do not need constant updates in general (I always welcome them, but I do not need them). But when something is said to maybe happen, I think it is natural to expect updates sooner and no vanish for days.
Then again, I am not the sole person those people have in their mind and that "maybe" loosens the requirement, fine.
Of course, I am hurt by those that matter more, not by everyone.
Why do the people that matter vanish?
Why is it fine not to reply to an e-mail for days (or indefinitely, which is effectively forever)?
And why is a pressing need, even if not an urgent one, does not get more natural attention?
Perhaps this is happening artificially? If I stated that it is not urgent, then should they explicitly try to care less about it and delay it until the exact right time comes?
Maybe for the same reason why I stated it is not urgent, even though it has been eating me...
It is not urgent because I do not feel like I have the right to disrupt their life. But then I cannot complain when they do not treat it urgently (and also not pressingly), right?
Maybe.
So, my life?
I think the answer is, "it is". It is my failure.
I hope I will not get sick due to this unmet pressing need.
Can putting others before me ruin me?
Labels: Failure
2008-09-18
They say. They just say it.
But they do not understand.
But I cannot blame them.
I cannot blame everyone for my actions.
(Seems like a rapid conclusion these months)
I blame myself for listening.
For taking it as an upper lift for my self image as an employee in this screwful industry.
Cannot really live up to what I say I have, since I merely have the lower than basic idea of the whole concept of everything in these technologies.
And then, I am surprised when they ask for more. And why was I surprised? Because I believed them.
Because I let them mislead me into thinking I had what it takes to have a take on a full professional working environment in this working area.
But I do not. I am simply an enthusiastic little screw up that was not really getting into anything seriously.
"It does not work? Well, I will pass."
Great fucking motto.
Fuck it.
But they do not understand.
But I cannot blame them.
I cannot blame everyone for my actions.
(Seems like a rapid conclusion these months)
I blame myself for listening.
For taking it as an upper lift for my self image as an employee in this screwful industry.
Cannot really live up to what I say I have, since I merely have the lower than basic idea of the whole concept of everything in these technologies.
And then, I am surprised when they ask for more. And why was I surprised? Because I believed them.
Because I let them mislead me into thinking I had what it takes to have a take on a full professional working environment in this working area.
But I do not. I am simply an enthusiastic little screw up that was not really getting into anything seriously.
"It does not work? Well, I will pass."
Great fucking motto.
Fuck it.
Labels: Failure
2008-02-18
Senseless Being
Once in a while, I have doubts about myself, about my intentions, about my life, about everything that I think I sense.
I question my motives and the things I feel. Are they true? are they real?
Do I really care about the things and the people I think I do?
Do they really mean to me that much, or am I just deceiving myself?
Leading myself into thinking there is a point in everything I do or have, even though there is none?
I miss the taste of caring, of having true meanings, of feeling love and having beloved ones.
I miss flattering to people. I miss life.
It feels like my conscience is not really clean and I kind of know why, but I fear the consequences of my actions.
It has been a really long time since I felt like myself. January, 2004, was the last time, I guess.
Since then, nothing has been the same.
It kind of reminds me of Louis from the movie, "Interview With The Vampire". The last few weeks of his life as a human, after his wife and children died, he felt tasteless.
He could not recognize his feelings, the tastes of the stuff he likes, hell, even the pain.
He just wandered around, like, notionless.
He never had any real place to go to, or any target to look up to. He just, died as he lived.
Nothing really mattered anymore.
And I can relate. And it is not good that I can, because I do not want to be wandering around dead as I live.
I want to live, I want to identify the joy within me, the love. I want to feel love. So much time has passed since I felt that beautiful, wonderful and powerful feeling.
I want to relive it. I want to feel it. I want to experience it, like I always wanted.
The more I live, the more I die. Is that right?
Well, I do not really think so, actually.
I guess that, as long as I have people, that are close to me, that I can... relate to, much preferablly in a red way, my wheel of life will be rolling quicker.
And a quicker rolling would probably be good. Because it makes me feel a little more alive then usual.
Just make me tick, will you?
PhistucK
Once in a while, I have doubts about myself, about my intentions, about my life, about everything that I think I sense.
I question my motives and the things I feel. Are they true? are they real?
Do I really care about the things and the people I think I do?
Do they really mean to me that much, or am I just deceiving myself?
Leading myself into thinking there is a point in everything I do or have, even though there is none?
I miss the taste of caring, of having true meanings, of feeling love and having beloved ones.
I miss flattering to people. I miss life.
It feels like my conscience is not really clean and I kind of know why, but I fear the consequences of my actions.
It has been a really long time since I felt like myself. January, 2004, was the last time, I guess.
Since then, nothing has been the same.
It kind of reminds me of Louis from the movie, "Interview With The Vampire". The last few weeks of his life as a human, after his wife and children died, he felt tasteless.
He could not recognize his feelings, the tastes of the stuff he likes, hell, even the pain.
He just wandered around, like, notionless.
He never had any real place to go to, or any target to look up to. He just, died as he lived.
Nothing really mattered anymore.
And I can relate. And it is not good that I can, because I do not want to be wandering around dead as I live.
I want to live, I want to identify the joy within me, the love. I want to feel love. So much time has passed since I felt that beautiful, wonderful and powerful feeling.
I want to relive it. I want to feel it. I want to experience it, like I always wanted.
The more I live, the more I die. Is that right?
Well, I do not really think so, actually.
I guess that, as long as I have people, that are close to me, that I can... relate to, much preferablly in a red way, my wheel of life will be rolling quicker.
And a quicker rolling would probably be good. Because it makes me feel a little more alive then usual.
Just make me tick, will you?
PhistucK
Labels: Failure
2007-12-30
I know I can always blame others for my actions or for things that are happening to me, but, this time, I am willing to think about taking the blame.
I am not sure what triggered it, whether it was the conversations, or the pushy conversation, or suggesting the option, or the music, or the closure, or anything else, or may be it simply came with the time.
I have no idea, but it must go away. It must vanish. Dissolve away, fade out. Disappear. Vaporize. Chill.
Just have another way.
I need this to be cleared up.
I am not a ball! Stop trying to kick me against the other team, they will eat me alive. Just stop.
Even though the option crossed my mind, it most certainly does not mean it is right.
I am not sure what triggered it, whether it was the conversations, or the pushy conversation, or suggesting the option, or the music, or the closure, or anything else, or may be it simply came with the time.
I have no idea, but it must go away. It must vanish. Dissolve away, fade out. Disappear. Vaporize. Chill.
Just have another way.
I need this to be cleared up.
I am not a ball! Stop trying to kick me against the other team, they will eat me alive. Just stop.
Even though the option crossed my mind, it most certainly does not mean it is right.
Labels: Failure
2007-06-27
I am supposed to be all shocked and excited, happy and enthusiastic.
But I am feeling a true regret.
How can moments of bliss for other people can be one of my lowest points in life.
I just do not want to talk about it. I just do not want it to be, me to be, everything to be.
I want to delete this week off my mind.
I want to deny it. I want to forget that it has ever happened.
"I want to stay in love with my sorrow"
(Lithium - Evanescence)
I do not want to quote them anymore. But I cannot stop all at once and I probably need a few weeks (or months?) to adjust to this new state. I just cannot stand to hear them. My respect for them... I do not know how much of it is left, if any.
I just want to live and know that I can has a moment of bliss. I just want to know I can feel red happiness and purple happiness.
I want some crimson silence and a waking moment of truth.
I want to know there is a slight chance for goodness and love.
I want to have hope, hope I do not have for a long time now.
I want to die as well as to hope. And with hope I shall live, with nothing I shall die.
This nothingness just crawls in me, like a tumor growing inside. A deadly disease of some kind, that never lets go, no matter what you do, it lives inside you and kills you mentally as well as physically.
I have been dead for more than Three years now. I guess I can bear with it. But seems like it is getting me stronger and stronger each time, I wonder until when I could fight this.
I am afraid to die, but only because I do not know if everything is going to turn out all bad for sure. I have no hope, but I have this nescience about the future, as all of us do, I am sure. And because I do not want to make people sad. I do not want that the few people that care about me will grieve. I do not want to ruin their mood.
I always said that if anything, I want a party after I will die.
And I occasionally try to stay alone, make them leave me, forget about me. I have this tendency, I guess, so it would be easier.
But, it just will not happen. I guess.
But I am feeling a true regret.
How can moments of bliss for other people can be one of my lowest points in life.
I just do not want to talk about it. I just do not want it to be, me to be, everything to be.
I want to delete this week off my mind.
I want to deny it. I want to forget that it has ever happened.
"I want to stay in love with my sorrow"
(Lithium - Evanescence)
I do not want to quote them anymore. But I cannot stop all at once and I probably need a few weeks (or months?) to adjust to this new state. I just cannot stand to hear them. My respect for them... I do not know how much of it is left, if any.
I just want to live and know that I can has a moment of bliss. I just want to know I can feel red happiness and purple happiness.
I want some crimson silence and a waking moment of truth.
I want to know there is a slight chance for goodness and love.
I want to have hope, hope I do not have for a long time now.
I want to die as well as to hope. And with hope I shall live, with nothing I shall die.
This nothingness just crawls in me, like a tumor growing inside. A deadly disease of some kind, that never lets go, no matter what you do, it lives inside you and kills you mentally as well as physically.
I have been dead for more than Three years now. I guess I can bear with it. But seems like it is getting me stronger and stronger each time, I wonder until when I could fight this.
I am afraid to die, but only because I do not know if everything is going to turn out all bad for sure. I have no hope, but I have this nescience about the future, as all of us do, I am sure. And because I do not want to make people sad. I do not want that the few people that care about me will grieve. I do not want to ruin their mood.
I always said that if anything, I want a party after I will die.
And I occasionally try to stay alone, make them leave me, forget about me. I have this tendency, I guess, so it would be easier.
But, it just will not happen. I guess.
Labels: Failure
2004-01-24
"All the little pieces falling"
(Breath No More - Evanescence)
"Am I too lost
To be saved?
Am I too lost?"
(Tourniquet - Evanescence)
(Breath No More - Evanescence)
"Am I too lost
To be saved?
Am I too lost?"
(Tourniquet - Evanescence)
Labels: Failure
2003-12-27
I wanna breath.
I try and nothing comes in or out.
It feels like dying again.
And it's not good.
It's not good at all.
It feels like I wanna burst into the world.
But I don't, I'm afraid of the fame it will bring me.
I mean, if I write and lots of people read my crap, it could make my name reach into the Active Blog List, but I don't want that.
Every single blog who's name is on that list, is automatically categorized as commercialized.
I don't want people to automatically assume my blog is commercialized. it sucks. especially if it's totally not true.
Damn.
Of course comments and entries make me glad, but I hate the thought that it causes such damage.
Have a great time, all of you, that don't read this text.
I try and nothing comes in or out.
It feels like dying again.
And it's not good.
It's not good at all.
It feels like I wanna burst into the world.
But I don't, I'm afraid of the fame it will bring me.
I mean, if I write and lots of people read my crap, it could make my name reach into the Active Blog List, but I don't want that.
Every single blog who's name is on that list, is automatically categorized as commercialized.
I don't want people to automatically assume my blog is commercialized. it sucks. especially if it's totally not true.
Damn.
Of course comments and entries make me glad, but I hate the thought that it causes such damage.
Have a great time, all of you, that don't read this text.
Labels: Failure
2003-05-21
Had a rough night, lots of crying, couldn't sleep.
Every song reminded me of her..
I got our song out of the list, but still it's always finding its way back into my head..
Remembered of her so many times, you know what? it's not so many times, it's all the time, I can't stop thinking about her..
She was my light
She turned herself off
But I'm still looking for the button
So I could turn her on again
I can't let go
Even if I wanted to (which I'm not)..
I told her some really yucky stuff yesterday's night, but, I mean, can you blame me? I'm fucking hurt, damn it!
I love her, she says she loves me, her problem is the commitment, she cannot be fully commited to people...
Too bad uh?
Yap..
Well, there's nothing I can do at the moment... besides I don't know, besides everything.
I love her.
She says she loves me.
We're not together.
I never understood that kind of stuff, when two people love each other, there shouldn't be anything more so they could have a relationship...
But everyone says there should be more, I don't understand that.
She betrayed my trust, but it's still there, damn it, it's still there, I still trust her...
I still want her, and need her, and love her, and miss her, and crave for her, and want to be there for her, and want her to be there for me, but as it seems now, there won't be any being there for none of us, she doesn't want to bring it back.
She says, I've changed, she and Lutzush told me I've changed.
Lutzush was at least able to explain herself, she says I've change like for the fact that I'm reading, which is pretty funny, because I don't like to read but I read every single word of her posts\letters\poems\monologs\stories.
May says I've changed.
How?
My attention to the world, has changed, like I act different or something, and frankly, I don't see it, and neither my friends (other than Lutzush or The Little who says she sees me in a whole different light, because I'm not naive anymore or something, because I've experienced stuff that I've never experienced before)... anyways, I'm off.
See Ya!
Every song reminded me of her..
I got our song out of the list, but still it's always finding its way back into my head..
Remembered of her so many times, you know what? it's not so many times, it's all the time, I can't stop thinking about her..
She was my light
She turned herself off
But I'm still looking for the button
So I could turn her on again
I can't let go
Even if I wanted to (which I'm not)..
I told her some really yucky stuff yesterday's night, but, I mean, can you blame me? I'm fucking hurt, damn it!
I love her, she says she loves me, her problem is the commitment, she cannot be fully commited to people...
Too bad uh?
Yap..
Well, there's nothing I can do at the moment... besides I don't know, besides everything.
I love her.
She says she loves me.
We're not together.
I never understood that kind of stuff, when two people love each other, there shouldn't be anything more so they could have a relationship...
But everyone says there should be more, I don't understand that.
She betrayed my trust, but it's still there, damn it, it's still there, I still trust her...
I still want her, and need her, and love her, and miss her, and crave for her, and want to be there for her, and want her to be there for me, but as it seems now, there won't be any being there for none of us, she doesn't want to bring it back.
She says, I've changed, she and Lutzush told me I've changed.
Lutzush was at least able to explain herself, she says I've change like for the fact that I'm reading, which is pretty funny, because I don't like to read but I read every single word of her posts\letters\poems\monologs\stories.
May says I've changed.
How?
My attention to the world, has changed, like I act different or something, and frankly, I don't see it, and neither my friends (other than Lutzush or The Little who says she sees me in a whole different light, because I'm not naive anymore or something, because I've experienced stuff that I've never experienced before)... anyways, I'm off.
See Ya!
Labels: Failure
2003-05-20
Well, May cheated on me, then wanted a Time-out, then broke up with me.
I feel so gooooood! *not*
Anyways, I'm getting the hack out of here, need to do a bit thinking, or something..
Tomorrow there's a test, in Cinema..
But it's not really Cinema, it's like, the History of the Cinema.. bla bla bla, exactly.
Well, hope it'll be a good one :) (have I just smiled? weirdo!)
See ya..
I feel so gooooood! *not*
Anyways, I'm getting the hack out of here, need to do a bit thinking, or something..
Tomorrow there's a test, in Cinema..
But it's not really Cinema, it's like, the History of the Cinema.. bla bla bla, exactly.
Well, hope it'll be a good one :) (have I just smiled? weirdo!)
See ya..
Labels: Failure
2003-05-18
Hehe, this is nice :)
That's my third blog around the net, it is currently secretly here, no one knows about it.
Actually, it's pretty funny, I told my girlfriend today on the phone "I've opened a new blog" but she didn't say anything, she was like moving on to another subject, though the conversation was pretty quick and short because of her strict father.. so I don't know..
I will tell her.. in a few days\weeks..
It's not that it's so important, I mean, nobody will give a damn anyway...
That's weird, I think I decided that I won't curse here...
And what is so weird about that? The fact is that 10% of my english-speaking's vocabulary today consists of dirty words, curses and swearing...
Well, I will see how it goes and I will might change it in the future or something...
Damn, now I have to write three blogs at a time! loads of writing... well, it will improve my english writing and I'll get a higher grade, yay, how important is that for me? mmm... NONE!
I got no problems with english writing, most of my songs are in english, I believe I got a couple of english monologues (how do I write it? monolog or monologue?) as well.
I like the band InMe, know them? It's a Grunge band, same style as Nirvana (Grunge...), they got pretty cool tunes, it's my favorite band, InMe's tune "Natural" is my favorite I think, or is it "Trenches"? Gee, I don't know, ohh... what the hack.. I LOVE THEM ALL!
It's a british band, 3 members, Dave (Vocals & Guitar), Joe (Backing Vocals & Bass) and Simon (Drums), their debut album "Overgrown Eden" has reached number 15 in the UK charts, the album has finally reached here!!
It was released here in Israel some days ago, my internet friend Luchi tracked it down in a local CD's store "Tzlil".
That's cool, but I think I will still buy it off the net, because here you can't buy their singles (4 Singles and counting :)...), only their albums (only 1 for now... they're pretty new), so I'll buy the first cd of each single (the ones I don't have yet) and their album off Amazon.co.uk, it's pretty cheap there if you buy few thing at once, you include the postal fee only once, so it's good for me, I bought their single "FireFly" (CD1) off Amazon.co.uk too. I gotta buy "Crushed Like Fruit" (CD1) and "Neptune" (CD1) and "Overgrown Eden", their great album!
I got all of their tunes' lyrics, orginized them nicely and sent it to my dad's work e-mail and he printed the whole thing for me, like 17 pages of InMe lyrics, of their songs' Single Versions, Demo Versions, Album Versions, their B-Sides and everything..
Done some really cool job with that :)
I thing I will stop writing for now... It's monday tomorrow, means, actually - nothing...
See ya lovely people! :))
Good night..
That's my third blog around the net, it is currently secretly here, no one knows about it.
Actually, it's pretty funny, I told my girlfriend today on the phone "I've opened a new blog" but she didn't say anything, she was like moving on to another subject, though the conversation was pretty quick and short because of her strict father.. so I don't know..
I will tell her.. in a few days\weeks..
It's not that it's so important, I mean, nobody will give a damn anyway...
That's weird, I think I decided that I won't curse here...
And what is so weird about that? The fact is that 10% of my english-speaking's vocabulary today consists of dirty words, curses and swearing...
Well, I will see how it goes and I will might change it in the future or something...
Damn, now I have to write three blogs at a time! loads of writing... well, it will improve my english writing and I'll get a higher grade, yay, how important is that for me? mmm... NONE!
I got no problems with english writing, most of my songs are in english, I believe I got a couple of english monologues (how do I write it? monolog or monologue?) as well.
I like the band InMe, know them? It's a Grunge band, same style as Nirvana (Grunge...), they got pretty cool tunes, it's my favorite band, InMe's tune "Natural" is my favorite I think, or is it "Trenches"? Gee, I don't know, ohh... what the hack.. I LOVE THEM ALL!
It's a british band, 3 members, Dave (Vocals & Guitar), Joe (Backing Vocals & Bass) and Simon (Drums), their debut album "Overgrown Eden" has reached number 15 in the UK charts, the album has finally reached here!!
It was released here in Israel some days ago, my internet friend Luchi tracked it down in a local CD's store "Tzlil".
That's cool, but I think I will still buy it off the net, because here you can't buy their singles (4 Singles and counting :)...), only their albums (only 1 for now... they're pretty new), so I'll buy the first cd of each single (the ones I don't have yet) and their album off Amazon.co.uk, it's pretty cheap there if you buy few thing at once, you include the postal fee only once, so it's good for me, I bought their single "FireFly" (CD1) off Amazon.co.uk too. I gotta buy "Crushed Like Fruit" (CD1) and "Neptune" (CD1) and "Overgrown Eden", their great album!
I got all of their tunes' lyrics, orginized them nicely and sent it to my dad's work e-mail and he printed the whole thing for me, like 17 pages of InMe lyrics, of their songs' Single Versions, Demo Versions, Album Versions, their B-Sides and everything..
Done some really cool job with that :)
I thing I will stop writing for now... It's monday tomorrow, means, actually - nothing...
See ya lovely people! :))
Good night..
Labels: Failure
Well hello!
This is my first post...
Ammm... have nothing to write right now...
I'll tell you a little bit about myself:
Me is PhistucK :)
From Israel
Ammm.. I got the best girlfriend in the universe, my lady, May
I'm 17 years old, but acting like a 14 years old guy...
I am childish (I guess that's why I hate my parents... and my teachers, and school in general, and loads of other stuff)
I am sencere (I like telling the truth... weird uh?)
Mmm.. I like putting capital letters in the beginning of each sentence, and I am very strict about that in song names, I like put them in the beginning of each word... (WEIRDO!!!)
But, hey, that's me... Not good for you? Nothing I can do...
Anyways, I think I'll let go now..
See ya sometimes!
This is my first post...
Ammm... have nothing to write right now...
I'll tell you a little bit about myself:
Me is PhistucK :)
From Israel
Ammm.. I got the best girlfriend in the universe, my lady, May
I'm 17 years old, but acting like a 14 years old guy...
I am childish (I guess that's why I hate my parents... and my teachers, and school in general, and loads of other stuff)
I am sencere (I like telling the truth... weird uh?)
Mmm.. I like putting capital letters in the beginning of each sentence, and I am very strict about that in song names, I like put them in the beginning of each word... (WEIRDO!!!)
But, hey, that's me... Not good for you? Nothing I can do...
Anyways, I think I'll let go now..
See ya sometimes!
Labels: Failure